‘I want to give you a kidney’: The gay Socceroo whose text message saved a life
The text message that saved Ian Pavey’s life landed at 2.05pm on Sunday, February 28, earlier this year.
“Hey mate it’s Steve from St Vincent’s,” the message said. “I want to investigate if I could give you a kidney. Consider it please.”
Pavey, 67, responded as anyone would when a text offering the vital organ you need to stay alive comes out of nowhere on a Sunday afternoon.
“Who is this?” he replied.
Stephen Laybutt, 44, is many things; some of it commonplace, much of it remarkable.
Football fans know him as the journeyman defender who played 15 matches for the Socceroos from 2000-2004 before a ruptured Achilles tendon ended his career while playing for the Newcastle Jets in the A-League in 2008.
Steve Laybutt playing for the Socceroos against Turkey in 2004.Credit:Getty
More recently, he’s known for his work in the rehab unit at St Vincent’s Private Hospital, spending hours in the pool and gym with patients recovering from surgery for dicky knees and hips.
That’s where he met Pavey, whose knee replacement was a minor concern in comparison to his failing kidneys, which had required dialysis for the past three years.
“I didn’t know how sick I was until I was instantly well,” Pavey says of his transplant. “Steve never faltered.”
Only those close to Laybutt, though, truly understand how much life he had to live before he could help others.
Former Socceroo Stephen Laybutt, left, donated a kidney to Ian Pavey earlier this year. Credit:Nick Moir
When Adelaide United midfielder Josh Cavallo, 22, revealed in an emotional video in October that he was gay, it was met with almost universal support from the football world as superstar players and powerhouse clubs tweeted their support.
Laybutt never felt that comfortable during his playing career.
“There was no way that I was ever going to come out,” he says. “Everyone says your mum knows, your best friend knows … Nobody knew. It takes a fair bit of effort to hide like that. I had girlfriends; I thought I had to go down that path but you think, ‘How’s this going to work?’ Then football goes and life moves on and you say to yourself, ‘Come on, get real’. Just lying to yourself all the time. That breaks you and you head down a path of self-destruction.”
Stephen Laybutt’s text message to Ian Pavey.
Laybutt grew up in Wollongong before getting a scholarship at the Australian Institute of Sport, where he became friends with future Socceroos teammate Lucas Neill.
He signed with the Brisbane Strikers and played up front before injuries slowed him down and he became an aggressive centre-back.
He represented the Olyroos at the Sydney Olympics, making his debut for the Socceroos in the same year. Over the next four years, he played for the national side alongside stars like Neill, Harry Kewell, Tim Cahill and Craig Foster while bouncing from club to club in Europe and Australia.
Injuries, including a broken ankle, held him back. But bones and ligaments heal quickly. Coming to terms with your true self takes a little more work.
“[My sexuality] had a massive effect on my career,” Laybutt says. “I wish I’d played in a World Cup – but it was still a half decent career.”
Retirement from football allowed him to confront who he really was.
“You think you’re going to come out and life’s going to be good,” he says. “I finished my career, then came out, and I spiralled out of control for a while. I was just lost, thinking everything would be sweet because I came out.”
Life became easier when he met his partner, Michael Lutteral, in 2010. He started working at St Vincent’s Private two years ago.
When Pavey wasn’t working with Laybutt recovering from his knee operation, he was often in another part of the hospital receiving dialysis.
“I just liked his attitude,” Laybutt says. “He was always positive. I thought, ‘I should help this guy’. People have asked me what the thought process was behind it. I just thought it was the right thing to do.”
That’s when he sent the text that saved Pavey’s life.
“You only ever hear the bad stories about hospitals,” Pavey says. “I’m luckier than most people because I live here, in Australia. Good things can happen in this world.”
Pavey had been on the organ waiting list for almost three years. His wife, Roberta, wanted to donate her kidney but, after months of testing, it was deemed incompatible.
“I told people at lunch one day about the text from Steve and they thought someone was hoaxing me,” he recalls. “They didn’t believe me.”
Neither did those closest to Laybutt.
Laybutt says there were plenty of questions from people in his life about why he wanted to donate a kidney to Ian Pavey.Credit:Nick Moir
“It was harder selling it to my partner and parents,” Laybutt says. “What are you doing?”
Months of testing followed to make sure they were compatible and that Laybutt could live with just one kidney.
“They look for reasons not to do it,” Laybutt says. “I just happened to have two good kidneys. Then a psychologist ripped me apart for two hours, asking, ‘Why are you doing this?’ You go back through childhood trauma. This guy went for the throat. It was quite good. I thought, ‘Can I see you every week?’”
Dates for the operation were set then abandoned because of Sydney’s COVID-19 lockdown before the transplant eventually took place in late October.
Ever wondered what it feels like to wake up missing a kidney?
“Very sore!” Laybutt says. “But the kidney took straight away. Ian was doing better than me initially, which happens, but I was up and about after three days.”
Elsewhere in the hospital, Pavey couldn’t believe his luck.
“After the operation, I was in a private room in the public hospital, just sitting there in disbelief that someone had actually done this for me,” he reflects. “I knew he was a Socceroos player but I’m a rugby fan. I supposed I’ll have to change codes. We will be bonded for life.”
Laybutt didn’t want any of this written. He only agreed to meet after a friend reached out to the Herald, knowing he had a story to tell.
When Cavallo came out, he sent a message of support via social media but didn’t hear back, which he understands given the avalanche of messages the young player received.
“The support he’s got is great, but hopefully he can kick on and be a decent player who is judged on his ability, not being the gay footballer, even if that’s what he will always be,” Laybutt says before offering some caution: “People can tweet as much as they like — but locker rooms are different to Twitter.”
Adelaide United’s Josh Cavallo came out as gay in October.Credit:Getty Images
Rumours circulated when Laybutt came out to his circle of friends, and he received calls from journalists.
“A few rumours went around, some media approached me, but I didn’t return their calls,” he says. “I went into hiding. I wasn’t ready to come out. Are you ever ready?”
So why now?
“I’m comfortable in my skin now,” he says. “I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. It’s who I am.”
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